Battlescars

I guess I kinda left everything hanging for awhile. I finally did go to therapy. I'm working on getting my anxiety under control.  I even got the Boyfriend to go with me for two sessions. It actually really helped. We are working on things and home life got sooooo much better. There may be potential yet!  My only problem is I feel like I'm really trying and he only trys sometimes. Hey! Better than nothing and not feeling miserable like usual. So yes, things have gotten better in some aspects. Lately I've been dealing wth some tough stuff. My grandfather had a heart attack and fell backwards and hit his head causing brain damage followed shortly by a stroke. He hasn't gotten any better in a year. Soon he wil be moved to hospice. This man stepped up as my father fgure when my own dad didn't want to be in my life. He taught me and loved me and cared for me. I remember when I was younger he would bundle us up and go outide and play in the snow and climb up the pine trees they had in the backyard so we could get the pine cones to use to decorate the snowman. He would take me fishing and sit patiently while I shopped. He took me up in the mountains and taught me about gun safety and how to shoot. Maybe I'll never use that skill but a lot of life lessons came from spending time with him. He was the smartest and most hardworking man I'd ever met. My Grandma says the Boyfriend sounds a lot like my grandfather. Right down to him not dealing with conflict. It makes me laugh and cry all at the same time. I'm going in September to see him. I want to tell him how grateful I am for everything he has ever done for me, however, I'm afraid I'll burst into tears while trying to express my grattitude. My grandma doesn't want us to cry in front of him. We don't know how aware he is of whats happening to him. We don't know if he knows that his body is failing him. I want to hold onto everything he gave me in his knowledge, his words, his kindness and his love. I want my daughter to know these things but he won't be around to teach her these things. It makes me really grateful to know she has the best father figure in the Boyfriend because he will know to teach her all these things. He will know all the things she needs to learn. I guess I started out wanting to remember that things can get better but it turned out that I'm all about gratitude today. I have so many things to be grateful for. I just have to keep in mind that even when thngs are going bad and you feel like you've been at war in your life that this too shall pass. You will have battlescars, but it will end.

Co-parenting SUCKS and other things I'll get over

Co-parenting SUCKS and other things I'll get over

     Today my daughters real dad called. He does this every once in awhile. He wants to see her and be a dad. Too bad he doesn't want to help me buy her clothes and shoes too as fast as she grows. Or help pay for school stuff. Oh well, she has a super dad that does help. So for the most part I do it by myself. Oh! and my huge village! :) I'm soooo lucky to have my village. I'm lucky to have a man who has fallen so in love with my daughter that he says she is his. If only he would fall in love with me like that.So her "real DAD" gives me a hard time because I can't cater to his schedule nor do I care to.
    Eventually it leads to him cussing at me and calling me a bad parent. Yeah, I'm a bad parent and I suck at co-parenting. While I know it bothers me for now, I know I will get over it. I've gotten over everything else in my life, I think I'll be fine after this too.
    On another note, work is slow and stupid today. They sent out an email about a mandatory meeting and then after I worried and rearranged peoples schedules and finally got a babysitter, ooh it isn't mandatory for 2nd and 3rd shifts. Ughhhhhhh. Seriously people? I'm now coming to that meeting and you're buying me breakfast and I'm showing up in my sweatpants AND you're paying me for all my trouble. I swear this place is a mess. If I didn't love my job, I'd totally be looking for something else. Not like there is much out there. Well, nothing I can tolerate. I love my patients and I love research. Guess it just means I'm stuck with these crazy people I work with who can't make up their minds to save the world.
    The weekend went really well. I had dinner with the girls. It started out with three of us originally but its grown to five next time. I didn't know how badly I needed it. I realized with these women who have known me my whole life, I can really and truly be myself. Which, if you think about it, it is a sad statement. Wearing different hats in different areas of my life is exhausting. At home, I have to keep my attitude and real self in check. I love the F word and I can't even drop that bomb at home. Not within earshot of the four year old of course, but still. Work, I just have to roll with the punches and try not to get mad that they are the crazy ones and should probably be in our studies. Everywhere else, I'm somebody else. I'm exhausted.
    So I got to recharge this weekend and hang out with friends. It was so good for my soul. Now It's Monday and it's back to the grind. I've just been tying to cope with everything in my life. I've been reevaluating everything and trying to figure out what I want out of life and should I go or stay. I always think about this but to be honest, I never leave. I'm too afraid of breaking my daughters heart. Probably my own too. I like my home and my life for the most part. I guess you could say I've become accustomed to it. So whats the point? Who really needs complete and utter happiness?
     I'll get over that too.
 
 
    

I don't know what I'm doing... EVER

                     I don't know what I'm doing... EVER

I am a mother. I have Generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I work research in mental health. It's like the blind leading the blind. I have a boyfriend who doesn't want to commit and makes me angry and love him all in the same day. I have a friend who I have a crush on. Good thing that boyfriend keeps me toeing the line. Little things drive me crazy and the big stuff throws me into panic attacks. I don't know what I'm doing.... EVER.
     I'm literally getting through each day and thinking , "Well, there goes another day where I pretended like I knew what I was doing." True Story. I have no niche', no gimmick and no cause I stand for. This is just literally me rambling about my life. A secret outlet, if you will. I try to be a woman of God. I'm pretty sure I'm failing at that. I'm selfish, but hey, God knows that.
     I've given my boyfriend until my next birthday to decide if he wants to marry and/or reproduce with me. I have a feeling I should be looking at apartments now.
     Sometimes my job is awesome and sometimes it sucks. Today my life sucks and everyone is hurting my feelings. Everything is making me cry. Today, my truth is that no one gives two shits about me. I'm not good enough and I can't do anything right today. I can't please anyone today. I called counseling facilities today. I should probably talk to someone about how angry I get, how upset I get and how much I cry.
     Is there anyone out there with the same problems? Am I as alone as I feel? Ha! Even the counseling facilities didn't call me back. I'm sitting at work and I feel like crying. I keep tearing up and swallowing it down. Tomorrow has got to be a better day. I can't take anything less than better. 
    The only thing keeping me sane is my friend and my nurse I work with. She is a kind and caring spirit. I am forever grateful for her. My friend... Well.... he is amazing. He isn't my type, doesn't have his life even remotely together and is too young for me. He makes me laugh and makes me feel less alone. Its a dangerous situation. I should stay away from him. Cut it off, and eventually I probably will or it will fade away, but for now, I need this glorious human contact. I need someone who thinks I am amazing and funny and smart. I need someone who doesn't hate me for being anxious or depressed or sensitive.
     I told you, I don't know what I'm doing. Self destructing is always a strong possibility. But hey! At least I'm not on drugs! See, there is always a silver lining. 
     Not everything is bad in my life. I have an amazing daughter. She is four going on fourteen. She is incredibly smart. She has so much love from family and friends. She's sensitive to people around her. The boyfriend fell in love with her. She calls him super dad. 
   It will probably kill her if and when we break up. I just have a weird feeling that God has decided this is not the man for me. 
   However, I can't understand it because God seems to have picked this man to be my daughters role model and father figure. Life is strange and I really don't know what I'm doing.