Battlescars

I guess I kinda left everything hanging for awhile. I finally did go to therapy. I'm working on getting my anxiety under control.  I even got the Boyfriend to go with me for two sessions. It actually really helped. We are working on things and home life got sooooo much better. There may be potential yet!  My only problem is I feel like I'm really trying and he only trys sometimes. Hey! Better than nothing and not feeling miserable like usual. So yes, things have gotten better in some aspects. Lately I've been dealing wth some tough stuff. My grandfather had a heart attack and fell backwards and hit his head causing brain damage followed shortly by a stroke. He hasn't gotten any better in a year. Soon he wil be moved to hospice. This man stepped up as my father fgure when my own dad didn't want to be in my life. He taught me and loved me and cared for me. I remember when I was younger he would bundle us up and go outide and play in the snow and climb up the pine trees they had in the backyard so we could get the pine cones to use to decorate the snowman. He would take me fishing and sit patiently while I shopped. He took me up in the mountains and taught me about gun safety and how to shoot. Maybe I'll never use that skill but a lot of life lessons came from spending time with him. He was the smartest and most hardworking man I'd ever met. My Grandma says the Boyfriend sounds a lot like my grandfather. Right down to him not dealing with conflict. It makes me laugh and cry all at the same time. I'm going in September to see him. I want to tell him how grateful I am for everything he has ever done for me, however, I'm afraid I'll burst into tears while trying to express my grattitude. My grandma doesn't want us to cry in front of him. We don't know how aware he is of whats happening to him. We don't know if he knows that his body is failing him. I want to hold onto everything he gave me in his knowledge, his words, his kindness and his love. I want my daughter to know these things but he won't be around to teach her these things. It makes me really grateful to know she has the best father figure in the Boyfriend because he will know to teach her all these things. He will know all the things she needs to learn. I guess I started out wanting to remember that things can get better but it turned out that I'm all about gratitude today. I have so many things to be grateful for. I just have to keep in mind that even when thngs are going bad and you feel like you've been at war in your life that this too shall pass. You will have battlescars, but it will end.