I don't know what I'm doing... EVER

                     I don't know what I'm doing... EVER

I am a mother. I have Generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I work research in mental health. It's like the blind leading the blind. I have a boyfriend who doesn't want to commit and makes me angry and love him all in the same day. I have a friend who I have a crush on. Good thing that boyfriend keeps me toeing the line. Little things drive me crazy and the big stuff throws me into panic attacks. I don't know what I'm doing.... EVER.
     I'm literally getting through each day and thinking , "Well, there goes another day where I pretended like I knew what I was doing." True Story. I have no niche', no gimmick and no cause I stand for. This is just literally me rambling about my life. A secret outlet, if you will. I try to be a woman of God. I'm pretty sure I'm failing at that. I'm selfish, but hey, God knows that.
     I've given my boyfriend until my next birthday to decide if he wants to marry and/or reproduce with me. I have a feeling I should be looking at apartments now.
     Sometimes my job is awesome and sometimes it sucks. Today my life sucks and everyone is hurting my feelings. Everything is making me cry. Today, my truth is that no one gives two shits about me. I'm not good enough and I can't do anything right today. I can't please anyone today. I called counseling facilities today. I should probably talk to someone about how angry I get, how upset I get and how much I cry.
     Is there anyone out there with the same problems? Am I as alone as I feel? Ha! Even the counseling facilities didn't call me back. I'm sitting at work and I feel like crying. I keep tearing up and swallowing it down. Tomorrow has got to be a better day. I can't take anything less than better. 
    The only thing keeping me sane is my friend and my nurse I work with. She is a kind and caring spirit. I am forever grateful for her. My friend... Well.... he is amazing. He isn't my type, doesn't have his life even remotely together and is too young for me. He makes me laugh and makes me feel less alone. Its a dangerous situation. I should stay away from him. Cut it off, and eventually I probably will or it will fade away, but for now, I need this glorious human contact. I need someone who thinks I am amazing and funny and smart. I need someone who doesn't hate me for being anxious or depressed or sensitive.
     I told you, I don't know what I'm doing. Self destructing is always a strong possibility. But hey! At least I'm not on drugs! See, there is always a silver lining. 
     Not everything is bad in my life. I have an amazing daughter. She is four going on fourteen. She is incredibly smart. She has so much love from family and friends. She's sensitive to people around her. The boyfriend fell in love with her. She calls him super dad. 
   It will probably kill her if and when we break up. I just have a weird feeling that God has decided this is not the man for me. 
   However, I can't understand it because God seems to have picked this man to be my daughters role model and father figure. Life is strange and I really don't know what I'm doing.